yesterday my rating on the HAPPY scale was 7.
now its 2.
not that i wasnt punctual and all that, but im really like depressed.

WHY did this HAVE to happen to him?
he wasnt a mean boy, not selfish, not idiotic, not boisterous or rowdy or whatever.
in fact he was nice, loved to play sports, fun to be with and great.
and things HAD to change.
like WHY HIM OF ALL PEOPLE.
there're like millions and millions of people that deserves that torture more -MUCH MORE- than he does.
and its him who is suffering. while murderers, rapists, robbers, kidnappers are getting away scot-free.
yes he's not the only one suffering.
i know.
BUT HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT I KNOW AND IS CLOSE TO AND IS MY AGE.
i know the world isnt fair.
but couldnt it be fairer?

god why did you HAVE TO DO THIS TO HIM?
him and his family?
the toil and turmoil they're put in?
i know i know.
there is a plan.

like a painting that only inks and blots and be seen when you stand right in front of it, but when you step back you see the whole beautiful picture.
like those inks and blots are obstacles that add up to your life journey.
i know i know.

BUT THERE IS NO MORE LIFE JOURNEY.
going to be no more.

why him of all people.
why.
whywhywhy.

isnt it written in the bible that miracles can happen when you believe?
that when you ask it will be given to you?
why is it that after praying for months it doesnt come?
why does it HAVE TO get worse?
even mariah carey and whitney housten say that.
THERE CAN BE MIRACLES WHEN YOU BELIEVE.
i used to like that song.
but no.
im not listening to it anymore.

i didnt really feel A LOT or very very depressed when my grandfathers vanished from the earth.
nor my uncle.
i know im mean, but i reallly didnt see much of them.
NO BUT NO.
this is so different. sososo different.
is everything going to become just.. beautiful memories?
just like- gone with the wind? eroded away forever?

no. please.
god.
please.